Al & Tipper Gore: An Inconvenient Marriage?

I’m sure by now every one has heard of Al & Tipper Gore’s separation.  The former vice president and his wife have publicly said,

“This is very much a mutual and mutually supportive decision that we have made together following a process of long and careful consideration,”

While divorce or separation of couples after 40 year of marriage is rare (in fact less than 1% of couples divorce after 40 years), it makes us wonder why such a couple would separate?  The typical responses come to mind: They are such a happy couple.  They have been together for so long.  They have been through so much!  Remember the “Convention Kiss of 2000?”

Writing about the Gores, Ellen McCarthy at the Washington Post said it well:

They’re like the couple down the block with the lush garden and the annual Labor Day cookout. The pair who are always power walking together and drinking wine on the front porch, who make you nudge your husband and say, “See? I want that.”

However, I was absolutely shocked at what I read next in McCarthy’s article:

So this doesn’t just make us sad. It makes us scared. It means that maybe marriage isn’t something we can conquer. That you can have all the necessary ingredients — romance, good morals, mutual respect and a healthy family — and still see this precious thing, built over decades, crumble in the end. It makes us frightened for our parents, our friends, ourselves.

The situation of the Gores highlights some marriages in America. After many years of marriage, couples give up for a variety of reasons. However, just because the Gores, after 40 years of marriage, separate does not meant that “marriage isn’t something we can conquer.”  There more things wrong with this statement than right.

Marriage is not something we are meant to “conquer.”  Marriage is meant to be a lasting expression of love, commitment, unity.  Yes, there will be horrible days, and fantastic days, but that is why you have each other.  Equating marriage as something to “conquer” gives us the impression that we should be the Conan the Barbarian when it comes to marriage.  Able to “fight” anything off.  Yikes. Instead of conquering marriage, we need to learn how to be married.  Being married means you are not selfish, bitter, envious, backstabbing, hateful, vengeful, or judgmental.  Being married means you commit everything you have and everything you are to another, which is a picture of selfless love.

From what I read, it appears that McCarthy looks at the Gores and thinks that if they cannot “do” marriage then we should just give up.  That is the problem in our country.  Many marriages fail because people give up.  It’s too hard.  It’s too much work.  Of course marriage is work!  You have to work at marriage to make it successful.

Having never been divorce, I realize that there are heavy emotional reasons why people get divorced.  There are also abusive situations that people need to get out of.  Either emotional or physical abuse can cripple a spouse.

McCarthy continues her case on the impossible nature of marriage by quoting Andrew Cherlin, a Johns Hopkins University sociology professor who studies families.  I do not know anything about Cherlin, but what said was surprising:

But the other fact is that we’ve never before faced empty-nest periods that could easily extend for 20 or 30 years. “The institution of marriage wasn’t designed for that. It was designed to help us raise kids and put food on the table,” says Cherlin. “It may just be that it’s a difficult task for married couples to keep a happy life going for decades.”

So, marriage was only “designed” to procreate and provide? No affection?  No love?  No care for others? This type of thinking makes us out to be just another mammal in the animal kingdom.  Animals procreate and protect their young.  If marriage is only to make more people than we are missing the point of marriage. Marriage makes us different and special.  Animals do not share the bond of love.  There are a few animals that mate for life, but animals do not have cognitive thought or a complete ability to love like humans can.

The situation of the Gores highlights the nature of the difficulty of marriage: the demands of the world upon each spouse.  Work, travel, children, career, school, social communities, sport schedules, etc…  Marriage is difficult, but it’s not impossible.  With a number of high profile marriages ending or on hold, cultural commentators question the validity of marriage.

Please, let us not fall into the mentality of, “It’s too hard so let’s give up.”  God gave us the union of marriage so that males and females could have a stable environment of love, support, mutual submission, and grace. Will divorce happen? Yes. Will infidelity happen? Yes. But, it does not mean we cannot try.

Marriage is not unattainable. Marriage becomes inconvenient when we stop trying. Marriage becomes inconvenient when we stop loving.  Marriage becomes inconvenient when we become self-centered.  Marriage becomes inconvenient when we forget what marriage is about: marriage is about caring for another.

in·con·ven·ient

// (nkn-vnynt) adj. Not convenient, especially: