35 Things to Know Before the World Ends

This end of the world/rapture business is getting out of hand.  I was interviewed on News Channel 10 on Thursday about why the world will not end. I can’t believe a guy like Harold Camping and his crazy predictions make news.  CNN followed his crusade and I think they are helping it be news worthy.

If you want to know why the world is going to end, here is the back story from my March 6, 2011 Times Union blog post.

If you believe it’s true, you better get ready! The rapture is happening soon!  Get your dogs and cats a place to stay!

There are a lot people getting into this rapture business. So ‘d thought I’d help with a little guide for the end of the world on May 21, 2011:

1. The proper way to run from invading aliens is to wave your hands in the air and wave em like you just don’t care.
   
2. If you see a naked Arnold Schwarzenegger walking around, run! He’s a robot from the future… Oh and hide your housekeeper too.
3. Ragged clothes are a must. Stock up now because there will be a run on Kohls like you wouldn’t believe it.
4. Go ahead, drink the Kool Aid! The world is ending anyway!
5. If Keanu Reeves shows up to save the world, you know that this is not real and we all are really pasty white laying in a pod of goo hooked into the Matrix.
6. There is confusion on when the end of the world will occur. Eastern Standard Time or Pacific? To cover both bases get two clocks.
7. “Please” and “thank you” go a long way when looting.
8. Download REM’s It’s The End of the World now! iTunes will be down on May 21, 2011.
9. Pray that Napster comes back online free and illegal. For us procrastinators, we’ll need to download REM’s It’s The End of the World!
10. If Aliens greet you, make sure you greet them like Will Smith and say, “Welcome to Earth!” And punch them in the face!
11. The proper hastag on Twitter for the End of the World is #doesanyonehaveextratolietpaper?
12. Formal or causal? Don’t know what to wear when the world is going to end? May 21, 2011 is wear a Hawaiian Shirt Day.
13. If Keanu Reeves shows up in a telephone booth and says, “Dude! Excellent!” Run like there is no tomorrow.
14. Satan loves it when people put a “kick me” sign on his back.
15. If you are in a movie theater when the big day happens, walk! To not run! This notice required by law.
16. Vanilla Ice will make a come back… he’ll replace Jerry Lewis and have his own telethon: “Vanilla Ice Saves the World Show”
17. Whoopie cushions are always funny… even when the world is going to end.
18. Despite the popular myth, Tom Cruse will not save you when aliens invade… just Scientologists. Convert now!
19. If or when zombies appear, don’t worry. Only people with brains die.
20. Settle your space-bucks debt with Pizza the Hut! Or else ‘Pizza’ will send out for you! That guy doesn’t mess around!
21. Invest in an out house. You’ll thank me later.
22. Don’t worry about picking your nose in public. No one will care with all the fire and brimstone around.
23. If Keanu Reeves tells you that the bus you are on can’t go slower than 50 miles an hour, jump off!
24. Become friends with that crazy neighbor who built an underground ammo lab/bunker after watching Tremors.
25. Farting in an underground bunker is not funny. Not everyone will have gas masks.
26. It’s okay to scream like a little girl.
27. Buy a lottery ticket with the numbers  4 8 15 16 23 42.  You’ll end up on a mystical island while everyone is dying from floods and earthquakes. However… you’ll have to deal with the Smoke Monster and Locke (or Fake Locke)… and some bad instructional movies in a dump called a “hatch”. It’s still better than dying. Oh wait. You’re already dead! (I think)
28. Zombies have feelings too. [tear]
29. Okay, so don’t drink the Kool Aid.
30. Have proper footwear. Crocks are horrible end of the world shoes. They get stuck in elevators!
31. If Keanu Reeves offers you a blue pill or a red pill, take the blue one! Or, you will regret it!
32. On May 21, 2011 at 6:00 p.m., you’ll finally find out why your mom always told you to have an extra pair of clean underwear.
33. Review what not to do by watching that Twilight Zone end of the world episode when that guy breaks his glasses.  Idiot.
34. Pets can become zombies too!
35. When Jesus comes asking for an account of your life just say, “Ah…uh…. I didn’t get the memo. Can you give me a week?” It might work. He’s been known to give extensions.

So there it is. Now you are prepared! Spread the Good News!