The Facebook & Marriage Problem

Is it permissible for a spouse to post pictures on Facebook that display flirting with shirtless men? What’s the big deal? It’s harmless, right?

That was a listener’s question on a local radio station which features email questions on relationships, marriage, or even popular culture. I tried to call in to this radio show and throw in my two cents: Ah, are you kidding? (lines were busy, thought I thought I’d post my response)

As a pastor, I often meet with couples in premarital counseling and martial counseling. Engaged couples often balk at the idea that their partner would never cheat on them. Married couples often seek counseling when things are at the worst point in their marriage. Sometimes, it’s too late. Other times, marriages can be repaired.

If you want to know why almost half of all marriages end in divorce in this country, look no further than the example of this listener’s Facebook question.

One of the radio hosts remarked, “What’s the big deal!?! It’s harmless.”

No, it’s not harmless. And no, Facebook is not the cause of divorce. It is an issue of boundaries.

As Dr. Shirley Glass articulates in her book, Not “Just Friends”: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity, affairs begin when couples allow those martial boundaries to weaken. When a wife engages in flirty talk with a male coworker. When a husband asks a female coworker out to lunch while telling everyone it’s for “business purposes”, when he knows full well it isn’t. Those “little” and “harmless” acts open the door to crossing boundaries of secrets, sexual talk, hand holding, touching, kissing, and sex.

If you find yourself confiding in someone of the opposite sex with your marriage problems more than your own spouse, you know those boundaries are eroding.

And by the way, “cheating” on your marriage partner doesn’t have to include sex. Yes, that’s right. There is such thing as a “sexless” affair.  Dr. Glass gives two foundations for an affair:

• Secrets: When we hide from our partner our meetings, run ins, or intimate encounters with a “certain someone”.
• Sexual Intimacy: This does not have to be sex, but sexual talk, attraction and reciprocation of romantic feelings,  and disclosing intimate details of one’s life or marriage that betray the trust of marriage.

Online affairs engage in this type of of secret engaging and sexual intimacy, but it is done with texting, chats, or pictures.  Sometimes, those affairs can be worse than a one-night-stand.

In typical marriage vow liturgies, couples agree to the questions:

______, will you have ______ to be your wife, to live together in holy marriage?  Will you love her, comfort her, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health; and forsaking all others be faithful to her as you both shall live?

If you really love someone and forsake all others in faithfulness, you agree not to post flirtatious pictures on Facebook to embarrass your partner and your marriage. Or, share intimate romantic feelings with someone of the opposite sex. In our culture, we have a poor understanding how affairs work.

Folks, if your partner is emotionally distance from you, get into counseling. If you think your partner is bad at keeping opposite sex boundaries, get into counseling. If you fight more than you talk, get into counseling. Everyone at some point in their marriage should see a marriage counselor. Most insurance companies cover counseling and marriage counselors can work on a sliding scale of cost.

Everyone knows they have to get an oil change for their car when the check engine light goes on. Your car goes in every 3,000-5,000 miles for a check-up and oil change.

Why do we ignore our “check engine” lights for marriage?